Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
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doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.