A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
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I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.