my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
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According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?