-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
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If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
A sick whale is called an unwhale
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
I identify as an antique shop.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Yup
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable