I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
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Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
This anagram machine is out of order.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?