[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
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Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
*looks at you in batman voice*
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Growing up was a huge mistake
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Husband of the year 😂
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.