Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
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PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
[adds another nod to the conversation]
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.