If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
You Might Also Like
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver