If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
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No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Birds & Planes.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
No, he would not have.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?