“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
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i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
the saddest jazz hands ever
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
This pepper has seen some shit
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.