[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
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Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.