*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
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Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
What?
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Encore…
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Personal question. #JustSaying
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.