Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
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My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.