*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
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Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead