Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
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NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”