Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
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Matt Goss
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.