Kids, do not try this at home!
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[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Perfect
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
We’ve all been there…
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too