Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
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6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer