I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
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Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
when u come home smelling like another dog
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*