[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
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You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Cartman: Respect my
a a
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.