My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
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If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
When news reporters do sports stories
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
This is a true ally.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer