Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
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Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…