*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
You Might Also Like
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go