HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
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According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…