my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
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It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus: