I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
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A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB