Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
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The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle