And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
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I just tested negative for patience.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
shampoo implies shampee
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.