I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
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me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
This is painfully accurate 😅
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”