[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
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[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Britain be like
Nice try, poison.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit