my first dose meeting my second
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Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.