Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
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mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.