When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
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SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
<—- homeless romantic
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
IT’S-A ME,