Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
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T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now