Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
You Might Also Like
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
“How’s your day going?”
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.