Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
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how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Britain be like
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!