Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
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Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
What
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
I put the p in pants.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
#polloftheday
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.