if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
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making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it