Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
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Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.