If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
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nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.