If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
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$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.