thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
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I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
They’re stuck in your pants?
What is going on? 😅
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.