“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
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Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.