I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
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Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.