Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
You Might Also Like
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.