Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
You Might Also Like
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.