Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
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Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.