If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
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Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
kids play hide and seek like
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe