There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
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alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.