wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
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Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Oh, I bet you would be
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
*puts cutlery down*
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it